AND THEN MY HEART WITH PLEASURE
FILLS AND DANCES WITH THE DAFFODILS. ~William Wordsworth~
I feel like I have been neglecting
my blog this year. My last post was the
first part of January and I've been trying to compose a new one for almost two
months but winter is not my most productive time of year.
I have suffered from depression on
and off most of my adult life and for some reason this years dark months have
been especially difficult. Maybe the record rainfalls have had something
to do with it.
When I am depressed I
feel like I am balanced on the edge of an abyss, trapped in a fog so thick I
can’t find a way out.
Sometimes I sleep all day and other
times I have insomnia so bad I can't sleep for days. Lack of sleep makes me cranky and I cry at
the drop of a hat and at inappropriate times.
I often feel pulled as tight as a
wire, like I'm only held together by spit and glue, so fragile I will break at
a touch and until a few years ago I thought it was just normal and this was
what everybody meant by the 'ups and downs of life. I know better now.
There are times when I hurt all over
and don't think I have the strength to go another step so I curl into a ball
and stare at the wall for hours just wondering if I can survive another day...but
I remind myself I have a lot to live for...my family and my art get me moving
again...and spring is here now and I can feel my mind and body awakening from a
long winters nap.
That's not to say I won't get depressed the rest of the year so don't give up on me when it looks like I have
disappeared. I'm really just in the
shadows doing the best I can while I wait for the light to come back on.
...and...AT THE END OF THE DAY...isn't
that the best anyone can do?
