THE COLOR OF MY DAYS

I have had many challenges this past year. 

My medical journey made keeping up on the things that had to be done, to find out what was wrong, and keeping a household running nearly impossible and without my husbands help would have been.

I started the color of the month FB challenge for fun at the first of the year before all the pain started and it would have been an easy thing to abandon after I could no longer leave the house except to visit the doctor. 

But art has always been near the top of my must do list and this year has been no exception. 

 

Since photography is my first love the color challenge was a way for me to do something creative and keep in touch with the outside world on FB. 

I had to find colors at my house or in my studio.  It really made me look closely and find ways to take pleasing photos of the ordinary.  It was fun and I looked forward to doing it.

I won't be doing the color challenge again this coming year.  Next years challenge is going to be healing, getting stronger (it's amazing how weak you get not being able to be out and about for almost a year) catching up...and moving on.

If this past year taught me anything it is that we all have a limited time on this earth and we need to spend it well and enjoy it while we have a chance.  On the 11th of this month I took my Great grand daughter to see the Nutcracker Ballet.  We are both looking forward to more "dates" together.  I have a long bucket list I want to get started on before it's too late and there is always more art to make.

after all...AT THE END OF THE DAY...photographing and posting a new color each month wasn't what kept me going through the rough times this year...having a challenge and something to look forward to was...

FOR BETTER OR FOR WORSE

In just 2 days I will have back surgery...and my hubby and I will celebrate our 50th anniversary.

Like all couples we have had our ups and downs.

We have had years when he leaned on me and years when I leaned on him...good years and bad years 'in sickness and in health' years just like it said in our vows.

This year has been long and difficult and he has been my rock.

He has not complained while we put our normal life on hold as we navigated the medical system to find out what was wrong and how to fix it.

He has not complained about taking care of me while doing all his chores plus the ones I normally do.

He did not complain on the days when I was cranky or depressed or the days I ranted, cried and screamed......sometimes going from one to the next in rapid succession.

He did not complain as he held me on the days when the pain was so bad all I could think about was how to get from one moment to the next. 

He has been there for me through the long sleepless nights and has never expected me to pretend to feel good, when I needed all my strength just to breathe, just to keep him from worrying or make him feel better.

Although we can see the light at the end of the tunnel I know getting back to normal is going to be a slow process while I get my strength back from being inactive for over 6 months...but I also know he will be there for me through that too because he has been there for me for the past 50 years...just like I have been there for him when he needed me.

and AT THE END OF THE DAY...isn't that what marriage is?

FOXY LADY

I purged my wardrobe this summer.  Much of what I had was unfit to wear and some of it didn't fit anymore. 

As I stood in front of my closet deciding what to keep and what to give away or throw away I made a list in my head of what I needed to replace when I can go shopping again.  Last year I replaced all my shoes with flats and wider sizes...which is a whole other story.

It hasn't always been this simple.  There have been many times over the years I have purged my closet not because my clothes didn't fit...but because I didn't feel like I fit my clothes. 

From child to teenager, to adult...always trying to be fashionable or age appropriate according to someone's standards other than my own. 

I still see an article almost daily on how women are supposed to dress for their size or after the age of 40...50...60...etc.

So while I write down my shopping list let me tell you my answer to that....don't tell ME how I should dress...'appropriate' for you is your choice...but appropriate for ME is mine.

AT THE END OF THE DAY... go ahead...

SHOW YOUR COLORS

I love lilac colored flowers

Black is best for after hours

Yet Red’s the color that I choose

When shopping for a pair of shoes

Purple suits me very well

If I wear pink I never tell

But when I plan to dance all night

The color red is always right

Red is sassy

Red is bold

and I will never be too old

For red to be just right to wear

With wrinkled skin and silver hair

                    ~FK~

CAN YOU COUNT TO ENDLESS

When I went in for my yearly 'wellness' checkup in March it really brought home to me 4 facts of life about growing older.

1       There is no such thing as just one doctor's appointment anymore.  I've  had several since then with no end in sight.

2       Everything takes longer than it use to.   Sometimes it's days or          even weeks between each different test, each different specialist and each different answer.

3       Getting frustrated is normal but you learn to live with it .     

4       How you live with it is up to you.  Getting angry gets you nowhere you want to be so you work through each step and move on.

and...AT THE END OF THE DAY...you wait...you expect the unexpected...you accept whatever comes next...and you get on with your new normal...whatever it is.

NOW YOU KNOW

AND THEN MY HEART WITH PLEASURE FILLS AND DANCES WITH THE DAFFODILS.                     ~William Wordsworth~

I feel like I have been neglecting my blog this year.  My last post was the first part of January and I've been trying to compose a new one for almost two months but winter is not my most productive time of year.

I have suffered from depression on and off most of my adult life and for some reason this years dark months have been especially difficult.   Maybe the record rainfalls have had something to do with it.

When I am depressed I feel like I am balanced on the edge of an abyss, trapped in a fog so thick I can’t find a way out.

Sometimes I sleep all day and other times I have insomnia so bad I can't sleep for days.  Lack of sleep makes me cranky and I cry at the drop of a hat and at inappropriate times.

I often feel pulled as tight as a wire, like I'm only held together by spit and glue, so fragile I will break at a touch and until a few years ago I thought it was just normal and this was what everybody meant by the 'ups and downs of life.  I know better now.

There are times when I hurt all over and don't think I have the strength to go another step so I curl into a ball and stare at the wall for hours just wondering if I can survive another day...but I remind myself I have a lot to live for...my family and my art get me moving again...and spring is here now and I can feel my mind and body awakening from a long winters nap.

That's not to say I won't get depressed the rest of the year so don't give up on me when it looks like I have disappeared.  I'm really just in the shadows doing the best I can while I wait for the light to come back on.

...and...AT THE END OF THE DAY...isn't that the best anyone can do?

LIGHT BULB MOMENT

Like most people, I used to make New Years resolutions each December 31st only to abandon them by January 31st.  Each time I broke one I felt like there was something wrong with me...like I was a failure.

So for the last few years I have been choosing a word to focus on... a word to make me more aware of being a better person and living a better life.

Words are interesting things.  Most have multiple meanings, and shades of meaning, which lead to surprises between what I think I need and what the universe has in mind for me so I have learned to choose carefully.

As I was searching for this years word I thought about the last three and a half years since my great granddaughter was born... watching the look on her face as she learns and grows and really begins to take in the world around her.  It made me realize I have gotten so accustomed to what's around me I no longer pay attention.  There is so much hate and meanness in the news and on the internet that I have drawn deeper into mind and just tried to keep from losing myself in the depression I have struggled with most of my life and I know I don't want to spend my winter season with that attitude.

My word this year is WONDER.

These are just some of the meanings...

          meditate-ponder-reflect-think about-speculate-question-query-doubt-puzzle over-phenomenon-marvel-miracle-eye opener-stunner-mind boggler-curiosity-rarity-one of a kind-something to shout about-surprise-astonishment- amazement-awe-wonderment 

and I want to explore them all.

I have chosen to have an attitude of joy and delight in the world around me this year and I will be ready for surprises.

and AT THE END OF THE DAY...thank you Adyson for reminding me to pay attention to the wonder of it all.